I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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