No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
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as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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