I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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