What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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