peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
