I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
