Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
