We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
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Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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