I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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