you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
