when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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