how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
