Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
