3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
