Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
