Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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