Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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