Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you will always have a special place in my vag
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
