I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
