what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
