Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
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He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
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You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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