Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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