Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
