I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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