I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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