1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
