i need an iv and a liver transplant
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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