I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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