I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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