I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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