I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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