I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
