You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
