They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You left your phone here
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