brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
