After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
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I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
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Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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