tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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