i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You took a bar mat shot.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
