Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
