There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
