the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
