we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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