The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
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woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
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You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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