Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
People in love make me want to vomit
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
