On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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