Four minutes until I can fart!
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
