Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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