Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Randomize
