I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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