I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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