Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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