You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Randomize
