I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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