just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I want to fling myself into the sun
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
