my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
