Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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